I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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