Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
