Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
