She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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