when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
