so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
