What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
