We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
