I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
