A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize