i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
