it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
