Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
