Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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