1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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