I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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