P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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