Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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