Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
