I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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