I think im going to throw up on grandma
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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