Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
