i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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