So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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