i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
