The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
