he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I want her autograph on my taint
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
