There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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