I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
The Olympian is in my bed
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