She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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