A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Randomize