Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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