so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
