the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
