In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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