Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
