You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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