I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
