he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
