highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
