WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize