I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
