Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
