I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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