someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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