you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
