you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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