I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
