Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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