I feel great
I just peed on a car
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
