he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
