is your mom at the bar?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
