Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
