Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
