so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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