I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
