I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
