im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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